


SHINSHO (THE LETTER)

by TheBroken



Category: citrus - サブロウタ | citrus - Saburouta
Genre: Angst, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Love, Regret, Remembrance, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27586888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBroken/pseuds/TheBroken
Summary: Mei is at home all alone, left with her own thoughts,on a very special,melancholy,And long day.
Relationships: Aihara Mei/Aihara Yuzu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	SHINSHO (THE LETTER)

Mei sat at her desk, reflecting over the events of this day, and its preceding one, and wished for the thousandth time that she and Yuzu were somewhere at the ends of the earth where they had run away, where _no-one_ could ever find them and they were _blissfully_ happy together. It had been her favorite fantasy, now, for a long time. Today! Today... 

Ume had already gone to work, another Saturday she was filling in for someone. And Yuzu? Last night they had already spoken about _her_ plans.

" I'll head out tomorrow morning and be back by evening, Mei! There's a sale at the mall, and I already promised Harumin..." she had looked at Mei apologetically.

Mei had already known. "That's fine, Yuzu. Just enjoy yourself, O.K.?" the dark-haired girl had replied. The blond girl looked at her a moment and asked: "Mei...you haven't seemed quite yourself for days! Is something wrong? If...you need me, I could cancel..." she offered.

Mei had brushed the idea off. "No! You've been looking forward to this and I want you to enjoy yourself _fully!_ You know me and my moods..."

Yuzu gave her a crushing hug, causing Mei to wince, for many reasons. "O.K.! I'll find a cute surprise gift for you while I'm there!" She had practically _beamed_ at the younger girl. 

"Yuzu, you shouldn't spend your money on me." She didn't tell her why-that her family gave her a rather considerable allowance every month, while poor Yuzu had to make do with what Ume gave her, _and_ she gave Mei the exact same despite her protests. "Yuzu would want this the same as me!" her stepmom had said. And Mei had no doubt of that, the girl was considerate and generous to a fault. 

_"Maybe that's what I am,'_ Mei thought bitterly, _'Yuzu's biggest fault!_ "

"I'll spend my money on you if I want!" she had smiled back. "And do you know why?"

"Yuzu, please..."

"Because I love you with all my heart, Mei! And don't you ever forget it!" And she had given Mei a quick kiss and situated herself on her side of the bed, while Mei lay awake and looking at the ceiling. _"Yuzu'_ she thought, _'Yuzu"..._ Soon, she heard the sound of her bedmates' breathing becoming deeper, and she figured it was safe to carefully move to her side so she could enjoy the sight of Yuzu sleeping. It was one of her guilty pleasures, and one she indulged herself in as often as the opportunity presented itself. How young she looked, without her garish makeup, how gorgeous, even younger-looking than the girl she was! How peaceful and innocent her face seemed. That precious little smile she wore, even as she slept, fit her kind and generous personality _perfectly._ She asked for nothing, only to give...and as for that which she _would_ ask for... _" I CAN'T give"_ Mei reflected painfully. Lying there beside her, Yuzu looked and smelled beautiful. Mei inhaled her scent like a precious incense, another one of her little indulgences, and thought to herself _: "I wonder what I look like? Do I still look as cold and unfeeling when I sleep as the face I put on when I'm awake? Well...I'll probably never know."_ She heard the precious girl mumble her name lovingly in her sleep, and silent tears ran down Mei's face for some time before she fell into a fitful sleep.

They had all breakfasted together that very morning, Yuzu taking the turn preparing it, and she and Ume chiding her lack of interest in the food. "I'm just not hungry right now,' she told them, 'My appetite will pick up, later." The other two had continued with breakfast.

Ume had gotten her to the side for a moment while Yuzu had headed to the bathroom. 

"Mei, don't you think..."

"Mother,' Mei had said sternly, 'you gave me your word."

Ume had sighed. "I...did, Mei. I'm sure you know what's best for you." Her eyes had spoken otherwise, but Mei had already hastily turned and gone into the bedroom she and Yuzu shared. In a few minutes, after the sound of the high-powered blow dryer had ceased, the lovely blond stepped thru the door, looking like a true Gyaru. "How do you like it?' she asked.

Mei was startled out of her reverie. "What? Um-like what, Yuzu?"

She had pouted. "My sexy new look, Mei! _Yabai!_ What's gotten into you lately?" 

"Can't I have my own private thoughts, Yuzu?" Mei had said coldly in reply and had immediately regretted it, but by then it was too late. Yuzu had turned away from her, her high spirit brought down. "I'm...I'm sorry, Mei. I didn't mean to be nosy." And she had gone into the other room, her face turned away.

Mei fought with her emotions, damning her hesitant speech for the ten-thousandth time. "Yuzu, I..." she started, but she heard the front door closing and locking.

 _"Damn it!_ ' Mei cursed herself, _'YOU COLD -HEARTED BITCH!"_ as she fought bitter tears back. She seemed to have been doing that a lot, lately. She finally forced herself to go have a bath, but it was little help.

At least she had felt cleaner.

Out of the bath, she paced.

She sat.

She picked up a book.

She flung it aside.

She turned on the television.

She picked up a fashion magazine Yuzu had been reading, noticing passages in an article about romance that she had underlined, and surrounded with little hearts she had drawn. _"That's so Yuzu!'_ she thought, a ghost of a smile briefly outlined on her face as she thought of the girl she loved. _"The girl I love..."_ just as suddenly, the smile left, replaced by a worried expression. " _No good!_ " she thought, _"You're not getting past it today."_ On and on, the whole morning. The day had seemed to go on forever when she was alone. _"Alone..."_

 _"No time for indulging in emotions.' She thought, 'Do I really even understand them?' There's work to do! "_ She set about gathering things up, choosing, rejecting... "Memories,' Mei mused bitterly, _"Normal people are always talking about the ones they've made, that they have or will make! But I've never been a normal person. And any chance of me being one...Memories are just a curse for someone like me. Any beautiful thoughts that another might cherish just haunt the ugliness of my reality."_

But a fleeting image drifted happily through her mind at that moment, of a sweet, loving, green-eyed girl named Yuzu, and for that instant, Mel's troubled heart felt a flash of tenderness and beauty that lifted her heart and went through her soul like a bolt of lightning. All too brief, she wished she could hold it forever.

The black-haired beauty passed into the dining room as she traversed her memories, and saw her old companion, Kumagoro, her giant teddy-bear, sitting at his seat at the table. She picked him up with a sigh, a trickle of tears wet her face, as she said: "Goodbye, Kumagoro! You belong here where there's happiness and life! Try to keep Yuzu company so she won't be so sad! " She finished the hug and shook her head. "I'm too weak! Aihara Mei, you were never allowed to be a child." And a sudden nasty thought came forward she couldn't shake.

 _" I've never even_ _been allowed to be my own_ _HUMAN BEING! "_

She sat at the _table,_ next to the seat her Yuzu always sat in, and cried long, bitterly, and achingly, like a Winter rain. And when she lifted her head from the table, her lovely Violet eyes were just as cold. The storm had washed her heart away with it, and she felt like her insides had been ripped out. She arose wavering to her suddenly unsure legs, and she went on to what had to be done.

_HAD to be done._

So her day passed. One of the worse she'd ever known.

Mei came back to the present as she sat at her desk in the bedroom, writing. It was afternoon, and she had just made an important call. There was just... _this_ to take care of, she was thinking, "Oh, yes, you _COWARDLY BITCH!_ This will just _salve your conscience_ and make _everything_ fine!" She looked up from her writing to see the boxes and suitcases she had packed earlier. The men from Grandfather's residence where she was going would be up in just a moment to carry it into the car. And then? Off to Grandfathers', where she would await her fate, an eventual arranged marriage to a man she didn't even know. _"A MAN?"_ she thought in disbelief at her own actions. "I've only loved and wanted _ONE_ _person_ in my whole life, and _THEY'RE ANOTHER GIRL!_ I can't be with a _man!_ This is like some _HELLISH JOKE! GOD DAMN IT, MEI! YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH YUZU!"_

Duty...duty _to_ her family honor called her, and duty was death to her heart, and obedience, _it's grave._

She looked down at the letter, her eyes catching the final words before she closed it in Yuzu's little love book she had made. Her emotions finally broke as she realized what she had sentenced them both to, _her beloved_ to loneliness and the agony of separation and _her own life_ to a cold, dark, and bitter ruin. A painful sob choked her as the bottom fell out of her facade.

She clutched Yuzu's pillow to her heaving chest, crying miserably. " _I'm sorry! Oh, God! I'm so sorry Yuzu! Please forgive me!_ she kept repeating like a prayer she wished could take the pain away. She knew in her heart she begged to forgive herself...but no absolution would ever be forthcoming. The beautiful girl's scent, still upon her pillow, was like a dagger twisted into her shattered heart, as she read what she had written, over and over like she was in a nightmare she couldn't wake up from:

 _…_ _"I hope you will be happy with the people you love...'_

**_The door chime rang. It was time to leave._ **

_…_ _' Thank you, Yuzu...'_

_Goodbye..."_

**Author's Note:**

> I've often wondered about that day, haven't you? And...the night before. One thing I know: By analyzing her character and things she had said and done previously, and little things only we readers were privy to, it seems obvious Mei was in a truly awful way.


End file.
